February 11th was a morning like any other – I got up, got dressed, made sure the kids packed up for school and the husband packed up for work, and off to school and work we went. I did the assistant thing for a couple of hours, even working through my lunchtime to take care of business. Then, I got canned.
I didn’t expect it – maybe I’m a little slow or maybe it was just that sudden, but I was shocked. I remember the meeting, but all I heard was those voices from the Peanuts cartoons – the parent voices with the wah-wah-wah sounds. I got out of there quick. I left the parking lot with my pride in pieces and my ears full of tears. (Has that ever happened to you? You know, when you’re finally alone and you lean your had back and just cry so hard your ears actually fill up with tears? Okay, maybe it’s a me-specific phenomenon and I’m just confirming my strangeness, but that’s what happened.)
Funny thing is, the world didn’t stop spinning on its axis.
It’s been an month and no one has come and taken anything away on a flatbed or delivered a notice of any (other) kind. My husband is stressed but supportive about the future. The kids continue to eat and be clothed. No sackcloth and ashes have been worn around our Cozy Cottage. As the first American Idol once sang, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
It’s actually been quit a surprising four weeks for me. I haven’t landed the dream job (yet), but I have learned a whole lot about myself on this journey.
- When you start the year sharing that this is the year of “becoming”, you should prepare for the transformation by way of transition. To become, one often has to overcome and that’s exactly what I’m working through. I’m discovering that my identity was all wrapped up in the wrong things, as well-meaning as I was, in my job and ability to team up with Matt to care for our family, in the whats of who I am instead of the whose of who I am.
- I am so much more insecure and fearful than I thought. I am working on giving up the need to see the path, the entire path from birth to death, in front of me before I’ll follow. Faith is trusting, believing in something without first having to see it. When you’re begging for answers SO you’ll trust, you aren’t really a faithful person. If God is who I believe Him to be, and I am willing to stick by my faith in Him, then I don’t get to demand answers before trusting Him. I have to give up my pride, the control I think I have of my life, and just step forward trusting that step will be in the right direction.
- I love the movie “What About Bob?”. If you haven’t indulged in this cinematic awesomesauce, you should. It’s not exactly Sunday School viewing, but it’s suitable for today’s network line-up, so do what you will with that endorsement. Anyway, I think it’s a scream! The crux of the movie is this – Richard Dreyfuss, Dr. Leo Marvin, is a successful psychiatrist who about loses his mind after one of his most dependent patients, a highly manipulative obsessive-compulsive, played by Bill Murray, tracks him down during his family vacation. Bob (Bill Murray) is pretty much paralyzed by fear and a prisoner in his own world until he conquers his fears while ruining Dr. Marvin’s vacation. At one point in the vacation he decides to take Dr. Marvin’s daughter up on her offer to go sailing. (watch this clip) And that brings me to this third point – “Ahoy, I sail, I’m a sailor, I sail!” I’m working it out – I’ve chosen to trust and we’ll be better than okay. I’m going all in with this trusting thing – really spending the time, doing the work of learning about trust and faith and prayer and really working on not wasting any of this (most likely) temporary time at home with the kids, worrying.
So, that’s my past four weeks – from wife and full-time working mom of three to sailor. I can’t tell you what’s on the next shore, but I’m okay with just trusting the One who commands the wind and the waves.