I’m a person who really likes to know what to expect. I’m a strainer, a neck-craner, a peeker. I’m the one trying to peer around the crowd, eager to catch a glimpse. I can take whatever comes – party or peril – as long as I can see it coming.
November has not been a month with high visibility. The fog has been thick, friends. I can’t see how to solve some problems. I can’t anticipate the changes in the course ahead. I’ve been stricken by just how unpredictable life has become for me. And I don’t like it. It just felt like I was standing there, surrounded by this fog, right in the path of an avalanche of problems that just kept raining down on me. I didn’t even try to move because I couldn’t see where to go to step away from the mess piling up. It felt hopeless, like I was just going to drown in the mess that came from all of those little problems that I piled up.
I can remember the moment when the fog lifted, for just a few minutes. I had a clear view of what I needed to do next. It wasn’t a solution, per se. I couldn’t see what was ahead, how those problems would resolve, but I could see what I needed to do to get un-stuck, to move.
I was sitting at the kitchen table cutting some potatoes for dinner. Jonah was messing with some of his action figures. Anna was coloring. I was on the verge of tears, wondering how to keep all of this going when I couldn’t even think straight. Then, Jonah asked me a question – I can’t even remember what it was now.
So, I did what I do, I offered an ear and then some advice. I’m a mom; that’s my job. It was in my own words to my little boy that God answered MY question. Sometimes God waits to show us what to do next to remind us that we’ve forgotten to ask HIM what to do next. I advised Jonah to just talk to God, to include Him in his life.
Oh, include God in the process, right! I’d gotten in the habit of introducing God to my problems and then thanking Him when the solution came. I’d forgotten to talk to Him IN the haze, the place where nothing seemed clear or sure or right. The irony was that the more circumstances piled up and then rained down on me, the less time I spent talking to the ONLY one who could do a thing about any of it!
It’s been about a week since that talk with Jonah at our kitchen table. I’ve been praying like it’s my job! I feel like the fog is lifting. Inch by inch, I’m starting to see the road ahead. Being the strainer, the neck-craner, the peeker that I am, I REALLY wish God would just show me how this will all turn out. I can do the hard work; I just want to KNOW!
But that’s the lesson that I’m learning – actual blind faith. Faith isn’t just believing that God will work, it’s also in following His voice, over the rocks, until He shows you what He’s brought you though. I think that’s when He shows you that you’ve gotten to the place where He intended you to be.
Even today, I’m only a few steps down the path. It’s been tearful and hard. It’s also been amazing! Some way, every day, I’m witnessing His hand at work – someone who’s willing to listen to our situation and work with us, finding enough funds were still in my flex account to pay someone, finally finding a doctor who has a plan and getting a call from another who’s willing to replace a set of broken frames.
I don’t know that I’ll ever stop standing on my tippy toes trying to see ahead, but I DO know that I’m not afraid to keep walking, in blind faith.