when I grow up

When I dreamed of what I wanted to ‘be’ when I grew up, I didn’t really picture myself here. I dreamed of maybe being the next Peggy Noonan. I had a really awesome internship in the PR department of a local hospital and I really thought that I’d be making that nearly three-figure salary that my college told me awaited me after I earned that scroll. Oh, and I wanted to marry my college sweetheart and have two or three kids and a beautiful Better Homes & Gardens home. All my towels would match and I’d have special dishes for holidays. We’d drive brand new cars and we’d never have to worry about finances because we’d have so much we’d be writing checks to support charities all the time. (See? I wasn’t ENTIRELY selfish.)

Funny how dreams change as you get older.

It’s not even twenty years down the road, and I don’t even care about a career any more. I’m thankful for a job that helps chip away at our bills, but I go, do my best and leave as soon as I can so I can rush home to my real life – my husband and our three kids. Truth be told, only about half of our towels match. And we use the same chipped plates every day – thanks to kids learning to load the dishwasher and banging them together. We don’t drive fancy cars, but they get us there and back. Oh, but we’re writing plenty of checks, you know, for exotic things like the mortgage and water and heat. We give when we can. And on most days, I really wouldn’t ask for much more.

I’ve been so busy in the living of the everyday – the cooking, cleaning, shuttling and being the best wife and mom that I can be, that I don’t give much thought to the dreams that occupied my thoughts so many years ago. I don’t mourn for the high-power career I thought I wanted. I actually wish I could be a stay-at-home mom. We could sure use a couple of extra square feet, but our “cozy cottage” is so much more than so many other people could dare dream to call home. But lately, I’ve started to feel like God’s got something new and different and bigger than me in store for me.

Seems like every time His voice finds my attention, I’m hearing about His purpose for my life. It’s like I’m on the edge of a change. My Bible study is all about destiny and reversal of destiny. Our Sunday sermons at church have focused on Nehemiah heeding God’s calling to re-build his beloved home. It’s just out there, bigger than I can imagine, just beyond where I am…more than I am.

Until I get that answer, I’m working on growing up, having the maturity to do some spring cleaning in my heart – getting the clutter and the junk out to make space for the new. I’m focusing on serving in my role as wife, mom, sister, daughter and friend.  I can’t help but wonder what it will cost; everything costs something. And I sure hope I don’t miss it or chicken out once I find out what it is. I imagine that it will seem risky and big, but will make sense in a way that news you’ve been waiting to get just seems to make sense. Like “oh, there you are, destiny…I’ve been working on growing up so you could show up. Let’s go!”

One thought on “when I grow up

  1. Remember surrender equals pain before pleasure. God only wants your best, so be faithful. “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. ” 2 Cor 4:7-11

    You may fall down, God’s grace will lift you up. All on our journey of maturity.

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